I Am Now

Your ego’s(false self) deepest desire is usually the reverse
of your deepest fear.

They go hand in hand.

Ironically, your deepest fear, is what keeps that desire
unattainable.

Contributing to the cycle of suffering, wanting, yearning,
and never getting “It” …hmmm…

Even if you do get what you want, your deepest desire. If
the deepest fear isn’t fully met, you will begin to suffer
again as that desire will simply manifest in another area
of your life.

When you deeply realize this, you realize that you’ve been
like a hamster running in one of those hamster wheels.
There’s no end to the cycle, until you drop dead, or the
wheel gets rusty and you find another one.

The solution is to fully meet your desire and trace it to
it’s roots.
When you find the root, most likely the fear… Meet it
fully.

Melt in that fear and find out how “real” it really is…
what it’s hiding.

If painful emotions arise… so be it… experience them
too.

Experience everything that arises in this process… don’t
avoid anything.

It’s true, there’s been a “void” in your heart all
along… and to “avoid” a void is quite a funny thing.

All of a sudden you see through your deepest desire and
it’s exposed for what it truly is. What you thought was an
authentic yearning turns out to have been a little child in
you screaming for attention.

You begin to a feel a love you’ve never felt before.
Something that was there all along, masked by your mind’s
story of… “I need to get THAT first, then I will
experience love/happiness/bliss/etc…”

The happiness and joy that your mind hopes to get through
attaining your deepest desire is actually closer than your
own skin.

And what a laugh arises after this realization! “Of
course! How could I have not seen this before, why did I
ever try to chase something to get this? It’s been here all
along… I AM It!”

What follows this, is really uncertain. Your whole life
may completely change, or you may go on doing what you’re
doing. Except now, HOW you do it, changes greatly.

How your life situation changes from here on is
uncertain.

However, this much is certain:

You will be coming less and less from fear, and more and
more from love.

The difference between the two is unmistakably huge. It
moves mountains.

Here’s a personal example:

My deepest desire for the longest time was that of saving
people, helping people, of being some kind of martyr.

From the surface…unexamined, this seemed like a
heart-felt desire, what’s wrong with saving and helping
people, right? Seems genuine.

However.. no matter how hard I tried to save people, or
do good things, or make amazing products, I would always
suffer. I was never enough, I was always stressed and
anxious when things didn’t work out.

When I looked deeper, it turned out that this desire was
simply covering up the deepest fear which was fueling all
the suffering.

The fear was that of not being enough, of being judged,
of being seen as a fake without a heart. This fear stemmed
from the child in me that wanted to be recognized by the
other kids.

It was fueled by pain and longing, not by love.

On the surface, what appeared to be a serious adults
life, was actually a little kid screaming out for attention
wearing an adult face.(Try watching the news knowing this,
you’ll get a kick out of everyone putting on a “serious
show”)

When I fully experienced this fear… all kinds of things
came to the surface, past memories, painful experiences…
It took about 3 weeks for all of it to clear completely.
No matter how painful it was, I was set on it, I wanted the
truth, I was tired of being a hamster.

Everyday, I would get up and look at everything I thought
was real, and sure about myself, then ask… “Is this true?
What’s really running this?”

Every-day I would leave one hamster wheel for another
one, until I had a big pile of them lying in the corner
labeled “Everything I thought I was.”

It’s a kind of slow and painful “false self suicide”,
that’s really what the game of awakening is all about.

It’s painful to realize most of the dreams you’ve had
were actually shams put on by your mind. It takes a lot of
courage. Underneath the shams and scams is your true face,
where the real love lies.

In the end, almost nothing was left but a vulnerable
little being in the place where “Kacper” used to be.

I realized I never really wanted anything that I had
wanted.

All that was left to do now was the willingness to be.

Love wasn’t something I had to DO now. It just sprung
forth from my heart naturally, as did the fruits of love in
my life.

Instead of DOING love, I simply became it’s instrument.

What I discovered was that real love has no agenda and no
face. Real love is the openness to the absolute totality
of life… in whatever situation you may find yourself
in…

It doesn’t have preference

It doesn’t take names,

and doesn’t ask to be recognized.

Love is the air in your lungs right now, as well as the
sting of a wasp.

Life continued to roll on it’s own momentum, bad and good
situations happened, yet love and abundance was somehow
running the show either way, and every moment was
spectacular…

It’s all good, Baby

But this has to be realized by yourself fully, these
words won’t do much for you, they’re just sign posts.

Try it

Love
~Kacper

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
About The Author

Kacper M. Postawski writes to point you to the radient
and abundant nature of your true self. Check out
the I Am Now Group @ www.IAmnow.com, and the transcendental
book: “A Thousand Fingers Pointing At The Moon”
www.ThousandFingers.com

You are free to use and distribute this article on your
website as long as you keep the contents and the author
information in tact. e-mail: Kacper@IAmNow.com

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006 at 7:13 pm and is filed under I Am Now. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.