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5 minutes after leaving the internet shop when my money ran out yesterday after my last post I remembered what I do next / what happends next:

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… and finally when all is said and done i recall letting go, “so what i cant do what i please?” attachment 2 desire is not the way, happyness is not some place or time or ‘where’, happyness is not the external but is within. which paradoxically leads me back 2 wanting to go to the tibetan monetary ( or the mosque. ) - so i live in a paradox in a way, where, in crude language, my desire is to get out and leave and learn about life and death which might involve going to a ‘buddhist’ monastary. I double think here and realise how absurd this all sounds. its not as if i want to go to a club or something is it (while people are suffering etc)!?! so i dont get what i want becuase theres always some truman show thing stopping me and then becuase i cant get what i want i have to just accept it/my fate/etc and I walk on and I remember/discover that getting what u desire is what leads to suffering and that i can be happy in the here and now even if that means a train station or toilet or at work ot whatever and so on and on it goes. and my unfullfillment/frustration continues. or you might say i delude myself that it does; “its our attachment to the conditions that … ” i.e. i want to be sad as that is the way ive learnt works for me to get approval.
why need approval says you? and me!

anyway ….
Anyway, i did in the end manage to go to the monestary yesterday, (and did so in a kind of panicked mode where thoughts like ‘ur going to get what u deserve’ in a not so positive way surfaced) and when i walked through the open, concealed and welcoming doors and open space I came to the meditation hall where i was stunned by the roaring silence of people sitting in the dark on a summery, busy sunday doing absolutely nothing and meditating. it was profound. but i didnt have the guts to go in. i felt unworthy, id destroy their silence, and that i have alot of learning to do b4 i could join them ( i.e. i need to get to thier level of independance, confidence, level of living, level of responsibility and acceptance of who they were, and joy and laughter and non desire and comfortable with talking to others, socialising, accepting human traits and getting laid … although dont get me wrong - i have done that, albeit a few times and i feel inadequate and incapacited in terms of my relations with the opposite gender, my own gender and the world in general).

anyway. [i have been giving to others, so dont get me wrong im not irresponsible in terms of not providing to my family. (u know, as an aside - its quite weird, table turning, shocking, demorolising to some extent and ‘how did the fuck that happen’ when the father who loved you and beat u etc, and the family u thought at many points where just so backward and preventing u from becoming the person you really are, turn out one day not only to be now kind of reliant on your help and but also now giving u lectures again but this time on the freedom, “being your self” and god is within u kind of thing - which makes it a bit hard to swollow, although ive gotten used to it. I kind of have to forget ‘my story’ when listenting to him, becuase I cant say its wrong can i!? he’s right only…why didnt u listen to me 10 years ago when i just wanted peace and was telling u guys that. anyway, this all has helped me to be a non lecturing kind of more ‘listening’ person and less of a hypocrite so in a way in thankful, but in another way it dont do much for my confidence coz at the back of my mind is ‘there must be a reason why its ok for them but it wasnt ok for me, so i must be kind of fucked up , innately erronous and sick’]

So, continuing with my description yesterday;
I took my last look at the profound peace, detachment, silence, dark and calm that was the medition hall filled with people either so much more better or so much more deluded then me (i could tell by the footwear on the rack - trendy white caucasians). The mediation hall incidently reminded me of the moment before i drift off to sleap in that death state where the ‘fast paced, know it all, desireful, involving, interupting, fascist at times, crazy, talkative, chatty, action packed and intellectual world’ leaves me alone and i can be dumb slow me and at peace for once.
Anyway, so I took my last look and walked away, slowly in a more peaceful state then when i walked in 3 minutes earlier, and by the time i got to the bus stop to go back home I had a kind of response to the question that had been popping in my head since starting off to get there.

“why am i going? why am i here?”

And i imagined people asking me at the monestary (kind of interogating me - coz im not for real - im just a fraud) and my answer should/would quite honestly (i think) have been:

“becuase i dont get laid. becuase i want to get laid”

“Now, dont take me wrong guys, im not here to find a chick ot a soul matey or an orgy - how low and embarrasing that would be! (but secretely if they offered me one id might jump into it) - but im here becuase the frustrations of not getting what i want, not getting “it” - laid, popularity with women etc, enlightenment, awareness, freedom, discapline, strength, succuss, ‘the secret language of men and women’ that leads to causal encounters, the acceptance of myself, laid - has given me this more trancendending buddha understanding and hence my contemplation of this / distraction from this / of this has urges me to come here.
I led me to come here becuase its here i think i will learn to be able to deal with all these things and become better and escape from samsara”.

(…but i have read a bit so i know i havnt expressed it too right, and words like ‘better’, ‘escape’ etc are a symptom of me missing the point totally. but u get what i mean.)

“Actually im not here to try and deal with these things at all, i know they cant be dealt with.
…but in my reading and reflection, i have realised / discovered a larger scheme/purpose/universe of ‘no purpose’ and this is closer to the truth of why im here. It makes me feel better about life, the world and myself. even though simultaneously i want the other stuff too.”

“so you might say im here becuase of a kind on arrogance / pride / sometimes inferiority and sometimes superiority complex, and im deluding myself”

“its a bit like Graduate who says: ive failed with women, ive failed with work, ive failed with life etc …. what shall i do ? …. ah I know, I’ll become a lecturer!” - i saw a cartoon depicting this is my univiersity days.

Thank you for reading this post and the previous three before it.

Any help or comments or whatever you may have I would be really grateful for.

Thank you,

P.S. Have you ever read “You are the eyes of the world” by Longchenpa, published by snow lion press?
and have you ever read
1. Sura 36 - ‘Ya Sin’ (often described as ‘the heart of the Quran’) or
2. Sura 17 - ‘the night journey’ in the Quaran ?

Kascper you seem so wise - I would be very interested in your answers and thoughts.

S.

What i meant is. When i finally arive - i dont know how i do it, but i do - at the point, place or dimension where i feel empowered, calm enough, not needy enough, kind of maturely ‘in control’ (but with humour and a sense of possibility i guess) of my emotions enough and (quietly or loudly) confident enough to do what i think I know I want to do, what i have been wishing to do, what i yearn to do (i.e. visit the buddhist temple on my sunday off, even for a bit or whatever) everyone starts becomming my best friend and inviting me to see them, or “whatever” happends, is said or done, so that im in dillema mode and in 2,3,4,5,6, or 7,8 and 9, minds about as whether I should/can do it or not.

Eventually i do what the other has invited me to do, and later on I even thank god or whatever for the other person being in my life and being a manefistation of gods compassion and guidence as to prevent me to do something that would be harmful or delusional or misguided for me, or that would hurt me.

Sometimes though it seems that in the rare occasion when i do go or do what i want - against others wishes - (or it seems under the watchfull eyes of disaproving interogators) and in a panicked, fast heart rate mode run away to do that that thing, eventually when i get there or do it, it is all half hearted, distant, im too afraid to integrate as much as i would have in case its evil, and when im there i am a completely different personality to the one who would have been if i had gone initially without interuptions.

My life isnt much of a joy when it seems like im playing games (with myself?) but whatever.

Guilt, self doubt, self conceitedness, self delusion, obligation, responsibility, everything is a sign saving me from the errors and wrongdoing of myself.

Hence, in this relative dimension, when im at most peace and feel most nearer the truth is when after a long day of mental and physical pilgramages or whatever, i give up for my tiredness and lie on my bed, in the dark with a torch facing the pages of the Tao Te Ching by stephen mitchel, or the tibetan book of the dead, or david icke’s final chapters in his books, or the way of the sufi by idres shah, or a book on dzogchen, or whatever, and there in between my awake (if you can call it awake!) state and my sleap, in between there i feel close to death and at peace, where there is no struggle and in that haze, that nobodyness, everything makes sense … and i kinda dont exist and it feels good.

So how does my peak experience relate with yours?! thats why i asked you HOW can i put down my parachute. what does that mean for ME ?

for me it seems to mean giving everything up and being dead and being reckless even. I dont know.

whats wrong?
Can you write anything about this? Can you help?

Truman show paranoid delusions???? I just got a message saying times up and computert will close down!! just as wheni t good.l|!!

Now i know about not accepting your humanity and hence being sucked into the ‘dark side’, so the question in part and essence vanishes, but it still remains; the why do I? why am I? why such pain? such ego? such suffering? why such anger? why such hurt? why such hate? why such fear? why? why transformation? why change? why need to change? why better? why worse? why improve? why effort? why no effort?

But Please give me your take as to the answer of the 2 questions ive asked.

1. How do I (or how would u) put down the parachute ? and;
2. Are you a dejjal? lol - please dont take that offensively.

one more:

3. Paul McKenna talks about self-image too. Dzogchen:

On the early morning of the 20th of May 2006 I had a vivid dream for the 1st time in 2-3 years.
Then, on the way to accupuncture I read bits of Chogyal Norbu’s book - i was calm that morning and your powerfull article above was reletively fresh in my mind. I was reading in a flow and i clicked on this he quoted:!

“IT IS NOT CIRCUMSTANCES WHICH ARISE AS A KARMIC VISION THAT CONDITION A PERSON INTO DUALISTIC STATE, ITS A PERSONS OWN ATTACHMENT THAT ENABLES WHAT ARISES TO CONDITION HIM.”
- Chögyal Namkhai Norbu, ‘The Crystal and the Way of Light’. Snow Lion Publications.

Which links to what you say above in your article. (everything links to everyhing which links to one. all is one). I even copied it down in to my newly aquired note book and newly acquited habit of writing things down and wrote below it “See: (Kacper M. Postawski) self pity, poor me” and the word “Why?” below everything. even though it was a few days since id read your article. i remembered elements and felt i had to come back to review it. it - you are important.

I was getting the the books flow however until i came to my stop and had to continue with life. later on I got lost again in the streets of london. later on found it again.

anyway, do you have an answer for the ” Why? ” below everything in my note book.

Even though i cant cook and have limited experience of many of the things which an adult should have done by the age of 28. like living away from parents etc etc. so im no one to challenge. just interested in your answers. even though i know your answer to the why isnt going to help me. the here and now is more important your gonna say. which i can ask why again. lol

can a human comprehend the why? can a human comprehend the question?

Is tavistock running my mind? have aliens taken control? is this the truman show? is this the matrix? [why does it seem that every subtle potentially life enhancing - me - choice ive taken or was about to take thinking it in my head, was ‘thwarted’* by those close to me? i dont even cry anymore. its expected. whats the point? … and they dont need to to do much to stop my when im feeling down, but the way circumstances play out when ive almost there and feeling empowered and “yes i can do this” is just too funny to beleive] youve gotta laugh.

*by ‘thwarted’ i could mean just the sound of thier voice, or a request, or a change of plan on their part to come and see me when for the lasy week when i needed them they were nowhere to be seen. its association. pavlov. i notice.

18th May 2006:

That article was wonderful. i needed that.
now listen. kinda coincidentaly I just glanced over the gospel according to judas over 2 hours ago. it was very good.
In it, Jesus (from seth gnostic angle) likens the creator gods of this world as not the true one autogenistic consciousness that we are (god within you) and that this world is an evil place to be gone transcended, “escaped” (for lack of a better word) etc . this sounds like a mixture of dzogchen and sutra budhism.
Crudely; death is admirable and this world is evil! (duality lol!) but there is space for laughter (which is what jesus does frequently in the gospel).
anyway. your article above is SOOOOO true. I feel it. But! Is it another means to keep one imprisoned in this creator god illusion world/reality?
Tao - vulnerability - etc etc is all well and true. I feel it. But what im asking is HOW do I put down the parachute ?!?!?!?!???!?!?!????!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!??!?!

And I’ve seen the cycles, aportioned the self fulfilling prophacies, given all that i could until i have nothing! and felt ok. but i really want to leave the country and make a good enjoyable life (’dunia’! lol!) and i really want to be enlightened, and i really need to open express enjoy risk live laugh loose gain etc and remove my hate.

But how my friend. how?

It seems only when im in religious prayer, rememberence of Allah, 5 minutes before i drift off to sleap while reading the Tibetan Book of the Dead or Original Tao, or Stephen Mitchel, or David Icke, or Rumi or whatever (or from “a world living angle” when im just not integrating, giving, loving, being loved, doing, actioning, and instead just dying like a useless comatose) that i feel that some of the parachute is off.

shitty self-inflicted feelings of responsibility to my parents dont help either. (although my mother is selfless and my father is more loving then most) My MS dont help either although its mostly in my head. Non-clicking with people dont help. nothing being enjoyable dont help either.

dying looks like the best option. You seem like a good bloke. but are you a dajjal?

Karma Dorje Ikhlas (not my real name)

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after drafting the above and before sending to you, ive been able to communicate elements of “my story” to certain people (brother, boss, my ex, dad and sister - in that order), as such releasing some of the tension and ‘bad stuff’. although in my mind - resentment, caution, recklessness, longing and paranoia is still here. People have communicated thier stuff to me two. 2 years ago, my boss (he has/had ME) lost his wife, home, children and job on the same day. after 2 weeks of tears and really feeling like suicide on the london underground etc he picked himself up with some self-induced and discaplined NLP, and is now Director of company, on TV once a week as a presenter of political program, has a new wife who is the woman of his dreams, is doing a degree part time (philosophy i think) and is King-Fu expert too. He is a joker too. Weve had lots of arguments in the past 2 weeks. but i see things/signs all over. and i dont trust anyone really. it seems its all my fault. but i have alot to thank him for. He really is a good man.

Youve asked for my website. I dont have one but here are some that I know of:

David Icke’s website: www.davidicke.com
My Brothers Websites: www.bringbackjustice.com & www.theinimitablequaran.com
Meaning of life website:
http://www.meaningoflife.i12.com/Sufism.htm
http://www.meaningoflife.i12.com/dzogchen.htm
http://www.meaningoflife.i12.com/Tao.htm
http://www.meaningoflife.i12.com/dramas.htm
(ive just read a bit of this one now and its quite true again.) [but hang on, the mistaken zen side to my mind says; ’so what? trees grow, flowers bloom’]
http://www.meaningoflife.i12.com/conclusion.htm

I am forever in your debt for this blog. I know I was meant to find this website so I can begin to peel back the masks and find myself.

Follow the tugging in your heart in these matters, it won’t lie to you.